you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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