i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
