i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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