I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
