Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
