Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
