Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
