i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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