I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
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you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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