i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
