I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Randomize
