My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
