I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
