According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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