Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
