i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
