Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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