Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
