just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
