I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
