Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
