I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
