We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
