Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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