did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
