that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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