we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
