Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
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I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
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My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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