Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
