I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
