Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
