last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
whose parrot is this?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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