oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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