What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
