I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
