eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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