ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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