i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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