since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
