Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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