I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
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I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
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