found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
