one word: firstdatebathroomanal
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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