Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
