Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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