So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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