Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
