He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
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We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
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After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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