Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
