Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
