why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
