So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
