Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
