Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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