rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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