You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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